Post-Partum-ness

Life after a baby is vastly different than life before.

Most of our internal changes are catalyzed by a changes in our circumstances. We graduate college and we learn what it means to live with debt. We get married and we learn just how selfish we really are. We have a baby... and we learn acceptance (among other things). In the three weeks I've been a mother, I believe that's strongest lesson I've learned.

I've accepted that not only can I not do everything on my own, there's not much I can do on my own.

I've accepted my new stretch marks with pride.

I've accepted that my time to be productive is limited to Calvin's deep naps, which can last from 20 minutes to 2 hours at a time.

I've accepted that I will not be sleeping through the night for years to come.

I've accepted that I will leave the house with spit-up on me because it was hard enough to find an outfit that looked good and fit me.

I've accepted that I'm not the best judge of when I need help.

I've accepted inefficiency.

I've accepted that this new responsibility scares me.

I've accepted that what I want to happen may not come close to fruition.

I've accepted that I'm going to fail my child, my husband, myself, and God over and over and over again.

Okay, that might have sounded depressing, ungrateful, selfish, and just downright wrong. It had a purpose, though. I believe that in order to move forward in life, we have to fully recognize and accept what we've lost in order to embrace the new life in front of us.

This may be a stretch of an example, but Jesus didn't look at his death to come with rose-colored glasses. He requested a way out. He grieved the loss of his life. He was able to completely accept the emotional and physical pain put in front of Him because He didn't shy away from it. He didn't pretend that it wouldn't be so bad. He didn't convince Himself that He didn't need His Father to comfort Him before the turmoil came. He prayed all night long. He sought the support of friends. Then with all of this done, He then looked with joy at the course set out in front of Him.

And so...

I've accepted that everyday I get be God's instrument molding a new life.

I've accepted that Ben and I get to be an example of marital love.

I've accepted that I get to hold and cuddle a miracle.

I've accepted that I get to die to myself everyday to put my family first.

I've accepted that I am the matriarch of a new legacy.

I've accepted my chief role as nurturer.

I've accepted that I will be daily awed and astounded by the growth of a child.

I've accepted that Calvin is God's son first and foremost.